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Mario Kart Sucks

Writer's picture: AJ in real lifeAJ in real life

Man I've had some of the most random thoughts today. I'm not sure if that'll show in what I'm writing but I just needed to acknowledge that lol. Like a series of encounters and stuff with people mostly at work that just turned out different than I imagined going into it. I can never really end conversations and I hate that about myself. You know when you're done talking or you have something to do but the other person is just going on and on? I can't really navigate out of that well and I'll legit have things to do. So I'm looking at the clock like well I'll listen for 5 more minutes, surely they can't talk past that right? Then 15 minutes later I'm saying to myself, well if I leave in 53 seconds and catch only green lights on the way I should be able to still make this appointment on time. Never fails man, but I just can't seem to consistently segue into the correct convo enders without sounding mean. I just wanna say, "Ok, I'm done" and walk away (because that's normal and not completely socially awkward lol).

Today wasn't even one of those jovial, it's hump day, days with the camel and all that. I've been running around literally all day. I told y'all before I move like a living pinball. I don't know how much time I spend in my car every week but I know it's most likely more time than I spend anywhere else. I guess that means that my t-shirt today was a good representative of what the day was gonna be.




I've never been good at Mario Kart. Even when i really played video games like that, I was never good. Racing games aren't really my thing but I can usually get good at it enough to not lose to kids but now I can't win one game so I don't play anybody ever. This kid from my job kept baiting me into playing Mario Kart for the Nintendo Switch and I would lose bad... I mean embarrassingly bad. You know it's terrible when you have to count coming in 5th place a moral victory because you were closer to 1st than last hahaha!! That and Super Smash Bros. Now I could probably get nice at that if I had time to practice but I don't so nah. I don't like playing kids in games I never played or am bad at because kids can't win games like that gracefully. Nah bruh, we gotta be on at least a level playing field or I'm not doing it. This one time, my son and I had played Madden either 17 or 18. I can't remember but I know it had been a couple years since I'd hopped on the sticks so I was really just playing with actual football knowledge as far as the types of defense to run and what not. My boys are the types to not tell you which button is which so I'm throwing interceptions and running for negative gains and still came within one score of winning this game. He won and you would've thought he destroyed me fam. It was ridiculous so I had to get a rematch. Not that day, but I called rematch for a later time determined by me. He was feeling good about himself so he was trash talking me and whatnot but agreed. So while he was at school the next three months, I went in YouTube and watched tutorials on how to play defense, the best offenses with certain teams and I practiced the game on All Madden level. So  a few months later I told told him at the beginning of the week we were gonna play and he was all hype. Then the day finally came and he just KNEW he was about to wash me lol. Then it happened. I gave him the most savage beating he's ever gotten in any game ever. In the words of Charlie Murphy: it wasn't even close, it was like a landslide victory hahahaha!!! Man, it felt like he would rather have gotten a real life beating they have to have taken that L that day. then I did the thing that all horrible losers do that people hate. I told him that I was retiring as the champion and I wasn't getting ready to play anymore so I was going out on top. I think I saw actual fire in his eyes like when Veronica Corningstone told Ron Burgundy that his hair looked stupid. It was awesome!! LOL!!!! I'd almost forgotten how good it feels to be the bad guy sometimes and I know that sounds horrible buy think about it in context. Honestly, I probably shouldn't feel so good about bringing my kids such turmoil but what can I say? He was so angry, and I wasn't his Dad he probably would've hit me because of how I trolled him (shows the boy has respect and restraint and wisdom even when he's pissed off lol). I talked to him in the Eddie Murphy voice like YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOSELF!!!! Hahahaha!!! I'm making myself laugh as I remember this. Turns out I needed a good one and I got it from myself. Go figure lol.

Anyhow, Mario Kart is trash but the characters are cool therefore the shirt makes sense. I'm actually a throwback Mario game lover. A more simple time when video games weren't in real life graphics so they had to be fun because that's all there was. I'm from that Mario Bros, Duck Hunt, and Track and Field all in the same cartridge generation. Track and Field was kinda whack too. Nintendo had us buy the pad to run on to race one another and it didn't even work with your feet. You had to real life hit the pads fast with your hands and then if you did a race with hurdles there was absolutely no way for you to win because the character just fell over and over. We thought it was great tho and I think I'd rather struggle with that than play Mario Kart (big shrug).

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