The pandemic has had so many effects in so many ways, and before you guess what I'm going to say next, I promise this isn't going where you think lol. Not having very many options for entertainment, I have just about every notable streaming service known to man. Seemingly endless hours of movies, shows and other content. What this has really become though is reason 134 why I can't go to jail man. Bored out of my mind. All these streaming services and I emd up rewatching series and movies I've probably already seen at least twice. I've picked out every easter egg I can find in the MCU and Star Wars and Game of Thrones and all that. To be fair, idk if some of it is me going to the stuff I like and not venturing out a little more but I hate when I find stuff that isn't worth the watch or leaves you just wanting your 2 hours back...kind of like Wonder Woman 84 but that's a different story for another day. This is really what my friends and I call "first world problems" lol. I cAnT fInD aNyThInG tO wAtCh On Tv lol. Ridiculous right? Also, this paragraph is leading nowhere. I'm just writing what's on my mind at random and I know I always do that for these but this really is random. If you made this far into it though, you might as well keep reading right? Right!
Do you ever think about the way that others think about you? I know everybody will say that they don't care what people think about them but let's be honest, we all put more care into that than what we allow people to believe. I've been about this but still working on it. In ways I absolutely don't care, in others, I care way too much. Maybe that would be considered balance to some but I don't like that what someone else thinks could influence my actions.
In my case, it's sort of a case of a lack of self forgiveness. I'm not the kind of person who has a problem looking back and seeing and admitting where I'm wrong and apologizing where necessary but even when that part is over sometimes, I can't let it go. We are the ones that have to face ourselves in the mirror everyday and if I'm being honest, there are days when I think of some of the things I've done or experienced and still look at myself like "Wow, you really did that." Crazy right? I've been wronged by many people. There are some who don't even know that I know the messed up stuff they did or said behind my back but because I don't want to harbor unforgiveness, I let it go, forgive in my heart and keep it moving. Maybe I won't rock with them like I did, maybe I will cautiously, but what I'm saying is that I don't desire to hold on to negative things... except I suppose, when it comes to my own actions. I'm almost 40 guys and I'm here to tell you that I'm just now really starting to feel like I'm beginning to figure out life. These days I'm constantly thinking about things I would've done better if I knew then what I know now. They say a hard head makes a soft behind (at least that's what my Dad used to say before I got a whopping lol) but man, I look back wondering how I could've ever been the person that I was while trying to avoid doing the same things and making the same mistakes. Perhaps one day I'll write about how I'm still trying fix the mistakes of my 20s and 30s. Struggling with this though, was a rather large source of depression for me for a long time. There are things I couldn't get over because I couldn't forgive myself and I just sort of got trapped in this dark prison of negative energy over and over. Full disclosure, I still have to fight off those feelings and still struggle to forgive myself in certain situations. I don't struggle with depression the way I used to but I know the signs when I need to get out of my own head and just stop dwelling on things I can't do anything about right now. I am learning everyday that even if I don't deserve forgiveness from a person, I do deserve it from me when processed correctly and that God does addition by subtraction AND addition by addition so whatever I've lost, was meant to be lost but I'm better for having lost it and whatever I gain, I'm better for having gained it, be that money, people, relationships, pieces of gum, all of it lol. I'm just out here trying to be a tree. Rooted in God and bearing the correct kinds of fruit. Whatever branches fall off, fall off. I guess accepting that God is in charge of the branches you lose and keep is the biggest discipline. After all, I can't ask God to order my steps but then chose the steps I'm willing to take. It's gotta be all or nothing. I'm not exactly sure where He's bringing me to but He did promise that it's much better than where I've been and since I have no idea how to get there otherwise, I'll continue to lean on Him for GPS and while I'm at it, I also may as well stop beating myself up for the past. Can't see my future with two black eyes feel me? I'm putting this out there and want to acknowledge that in no way am I a finished product particularly in the area of self forgiveness but I AM making progress. I think of myself as the hot rod Tim Allen was working on for basically the whole series of "Home Improvement" (look it up kids lol). One day it'll be finished so one day I will able to do it no problem but my focus everyday is to be better at it than I was yesterday. Maybe in a way, Pac Man eating those pellets is me just sort of cleaning up the messes I'd made while the ghosts of yesterday try and chase me until they eventually wind up getting eaten themselves...or maybe Pac Man is just a popular game from the 80s and I'm not that deep hahaha!! Either way I'm happy and thankful for what is and what's coming.
I hope that everyone out there is doing well and is healthy
There is more that I'd like to say but we'll save that for another day. Be Well!!
Also if you haven't yet, check out my project "Renee's Vision, Mark's Wisdom" at softspokenprophet.bandcamp.com
A work in progress 💙
This was awesome!